49. 12 things under the bed

It's 11:50pm and I'm waiting for the floors to dry. My youngest is finally in the bed. He has a basketball game in the morning and then I'm right back into tech week. I'm tired, and overwhelmed, and over-stimulated... words that I've heard more in the past 5 years than I've ever heard in my life. I'm stress cleaning. And what keeps replaying in my mind is a conversation I had with my ex-husband years ago. He was going on and on about my inadequacies (a normal occurrence). Even though I was holding down the entire household on a meager office assistant/dance teacher/free lance artist salary, he honed in on the irony of my ritualistic Sunday cleaning of the common spaces and bathrooms. He was annoyed with the fact that, although I prioritized this weekly cleansing practice, "the same 12 things" remained under the bed. An inability to pay attention to details. At the time, I hadn't thought to ask, "Instead of counting those 12 things when you notice them, what keeps you from just cleaning them up yourself?" Instead, I focused on my inability to be and do and fix everything. I felt inadequate. Far less than enough.

That was a lifetime ago.

I know that it is not my job to fix everything, know everything, or do everything. I have what I have and I do what I can with it. I breathe deep and intentional breaths... way, way down. I am still when the world around me seems to be moving at an alarming rate. I ground myself in what I know and stay flexible enough to receive the things that are outside of my control. I align my actions with my values and do my best to listen for direction. And in the midst of all that, I keep my hands busy with the work I know needs to be done. Wash the dishes, unload the dishwasher, wipe the counter tops, sweep the bathroom, disinfect the surfaces, throw away the knick-knacks and do-hickies that made their way into this new life with us, but have been hiding out under the couch for far too long. I sweep, and I mop, and I wipe, and I throw away. I clean and I clean because it requires little thought. Manual labor without the mental and emotional investment. Funny thing though: this is the most tuned in I've felt in weeks.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Wipe the mirrors. Sprinkle Comet in the tub. Light some candles.

Feel the water on your hands. Smell the bleach on the rag. Be grateful for where we are and the life we live. Let go of the things we cannot control and do not know the answers to.

Take a shower. Cleanse your body. Shea butter. Thank your spirit guides. Lights out. Sleep.

Dream.

When it's time, those 12 things under the bed will show themselves. And you'll know exactly what to do with them.

#KeepDancing